Promise, this is not us...today:
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Swedish Male, Age 31, Looks like a perfect specimen of human.
Last Seen: May 12, 2013 at Madison Square Garden. There were also sighting on May 14, 2013 at the Verizon Center in Washington, D.C.
Answers to the names Henrik, Hank, or King Henrik.
If found, please return to the New York Rangers and Madison Square Garden. He is greatly missed by all. Rumors are he appeared in the office of Glen Sather a few weeks back, but it might have been a greedy imposter.
Please send any and all information pertaining to this missing person to HELP.US@nyrangers.com.
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: PARTNER WANTED
In my 4th year in the NHL, play on the top pair and currently average over 25 minutes a night because my coaches never trust the rest of our defense. Partner should have a right handed shot and be able to play both sides of the ice. Prefer a very good skater who likes to rag on his teammates. I have been asked to be cloned in mirror image, but doesn't look like that's happening. I play in the World's Most Famous Arena for an Original 6 team.
Please contact me ASAP if you fit the criteria: MacTruck@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: MISSED CONNECTION
I saw you from across the ice so many times before. Your passing skills were beyond those of guys I had played with before. I thought we would see each other again here in New York, but when I got here, I only saw a shell of you. I think your name is Brad.
Please contact me: Rick.Nash@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: LOOKING FOR COMPANIONSHIP
Is anyone looking for prime seats to see the New York Rangers play at Madison Square Garden? I had to leave my good friend Paul back in Phoenix, you might know him as Biz or Biz Nasty. He was great company, but now I’m pretty lonely sometimes.
About me: I have bright blue eyes and love it when people stare into them. Sometimes they distract people so that they get caught up in the pretty face, they don’t realize that I’m actually not that great of a friend to have afterall. I enjoy long nights in the press box, exploring the concession stand offerings and fist bumping in a suit when my organization wins a game.
Contact: taylor.pyatt@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: FREE HOCKEY PLAYER
Free National Hockey League Forward!!
Are you a National Hockey League team looking for a left wing that was drafted incredibly high in some far ago draft year? Are you an American Hockey League team looking for that extra star power to draw fans into seats? How about a beer league who just wants someone to fill a roster spot?
Well, bargain of the century here!
This forward was made in Canada (I mean, that has to mean he’s good at hockey, right? Right?) and is under the age of 30---his best years are ahead of him! Due to unforeseen circumstances (read, his inability to click with any member of his current organization), this player needs a new home. He is friendly and has an amazing talent that is so rare in a professional hockey player—the ability to be invisible for long stretches of time, so much so the opposing team will forget he’s actually a player who can score!
Contact glen.satheristheboss@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: APARTMENT FOR RENT
It looks like I’m going to be moving out of New York much sooner than I had originally expected and I need to sublet my apartment. It’s a pretty nice place located in lower Manhattan. I’ve had some good times in this apartment...very good times. Maybe better times than I should have. There might be random girls ringing the bell at different times of day and night; I apologize, I don’t remember who they are, but I likely brought them up. Because of this, I’ll leave my Valtrex in the medicine cabinet.
I should be ready to turn over the apartment at a moment’s notice, but be careful if I throw you the keys, they might go wide.
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: FOUND: A HEART!
Did anyone lose their heart? It seems to be made up of a lot of drive and determination as well as a “never give up attitude.” Professional hockey players have tried it on and played well above their own personal skill levels. The heart also seems to have the letters “JT” with a giant cross through them. I’m sure this heart is missed very much by it’s previous owner. Contact: locker.room@columbusbluejackets.com
· Location: Nationwide Arena, Columbus, Ohio
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: SCORING POWER FORWARD NEEDED
National Hockey League power forward for original six team, specifically the one in New York City. Responsibilities include: actually giving a shit while playing every shift, scoring goals, playing heart and soul every single game, not just games of your choosing. An additional responsibility, should scoring goals not come as easily, include pulling the team’s proverbial heads out of their asses when their play declines
Requirements: Have actually played at a professional level prior thereto and must be pretty decent looking and a good dresser so as to avoid being ostracized by the team of fashionistas –or—the ability to just go and do your job without whining about it.
Position will remain open until goals occur en masse or team finds their heart.
Contact: whereistheheartandsoul@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: FOR SALE: REAL LIFE HOBBIT
Are you a fan of the Lord of the Rings? How would you like to have your very own, real life hobbit? He’s housebroken, but likes to run his mouth...a lot. In fact, he might shit talk more than anyone else. However, he’s small and might be easy to store in a closet or under the couch. He has been referred to as a “little shit” and thinks he’s a great card player. He also uses his hobbit-like hands to fake out NHL goalies in a shootout...but he’ll never let them forget that. Give me your best offer!
Contact: henrik.lundqvist@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: CALLING ALL BIG NAME FREE AGENTS
Have you ever wanted to play hockey under the lights of Broadway? Do people in the league know your name, even if they don’t know much about your team? Do you like money? Call Glen Sather today and look for a new contract getting overpaid by the New York Rangers!
You will have to deal with the New York media and Larry Brooks spreading lies about you, but I’m sure you know that. Also, if you don’t exceed expectations tenfold, then the entire fanbase will turn on your quicker than you can sign your name.
New York is a wonderful place to live and everyone wants to play for an original six franchise, so it’s time to sign up!
Contact: glen.satheristheboss@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· It IS ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Subject: TRANSLATOR NEEDED
Mes amis, I am in need of your help. It would appear that despite my talkings to them, my players ne me comprends pas….in fact despite my urging for their 100% effort every night, I find them très paresseux. As such, I am seeking the aide of a French Canadian to English translator to somehow make these imbeciles act as if they enjoy winning games and believe that like most workers they should earn their salaries.
Compensation: If these morons can get millions to ignore me, perhaps we could arrange millions for your better translation to them?
Contact: MonsiuerVigneault@nyrangers.com
· Location: New York metropolitan area
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
